This is an article I wrote in response to a request by my former business school, who asked some women alumni to write about their priorities ….
This is what I wrote:
My definition of success has changed over time. It has gone from one defined by external success measures, to one defined by happiness, balance and a way of life that is based on principles of simplicity.
Reflecting on the progression of my career choices is very timely for me. I am 37 years old, and since graduating from Rotman’s MBA program in 2004, I have spent the past 11 years in the finance and real estate industries. The past four years have been especially significant for me, as I became a mother of two children: Issy, who is now three and Benny, who is two. Earlier in my life, I could never have imagined how much of a transformative impact these events would have on my goals, aspirations and core beliefs. After six years of business schooling (BComm at McGill University followed by an MBA at University of Toronto) and 13 years in industry, I am now contemplating a big career change that would enable me to better accommodate my changing priorities and family’s needs.
Let me start by describing my perspective while I was working towards my MBA in 2002, pre marriage and children:
2002-2004:
After completing a BComm in Finance and subsequently working at PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC) in the Financial Advisory practice, I entered the MBA program with high expectations. I had been sponsored by PwC and was told that when I returned, I would be an Assistant Vice President and would likely progress to Partner within a few years. My perspective and goals at the time could be summarized by the word: “BIG”. I saw myself with a “BIG” degree, a “BIG” career, a “BIG” title, a “BIG” family, a “BIG” house and a “BIG” life and I would balance it all beautifully!
At school, I was involved both academically and in an extra-curricular capacity. During my second year, I was elected to be President of the Women in Management Association (WIMA). I balanced this role, other activities and my course load, just as I imagined I would balance life with a family.
I recall one instance during the program when I first realized that my vision of the future may be harder to balance than I had anticipated. I had arranged for Heather Reisman, CEO of Indigo Books and Music to speak to the WIMA group.
The event took place in a room adjacent to the Rotman Atrium and it was a full house, just as Dean Roger Martin had liked it. Mrs. Reisman told us her professional and personal story. She spoke to us candidly and did not try to camouflage the vulnerabilities and challenges she had faced. Towards the end of her presentation, she said: “One of the biggest lessons I learned was that you need to make different things a priority at different times”. She explained that sometimes it will be work and professional aspirations, sometimes it will be your spouse or kids, and other times it will be you. “You just cannot make everything a priority at the same time otherwise you will have a hard time doing a good job at anything and will not have very much fun along the way.” These words of wisdom have remained with me for over 10 years.
2015
I recently attended my 10 year Rotman reunion. Wow. I cannot believe how time has passed so quickly. Life is just zooming by, yet so much has happened. I have a family, home, full time career and lots of new interests and fun projects in the mix, including: growing food, making art with rocks (I know random) and writing.
It was great to see my former classmates and get updates of how everyone was doing. Some got married, some got divorced, some had children, some travelled the world, many were in executive positions and some were stay at home parents and entrepreneurs. All commendable and exciting achievements. That night we drank wine and spoke frankly.
My update, on the surface, sounded perfect. But was it? Yes, I have a career, a beautiful family and home and have been on track for realizing my 2002 dreams, which I am extremely grateful for. The question however is: Are those goals still my goals? Would realizing them mean that I have realized “success”?
The part of the story that goes beyond the “elevator pitch” when someone asks how you are doing is that after our second child, Benny was born, I realized that I actually could not do it all or at least, I could not do it all WELL. Between work and having two young boys, I have been running back and forth from my office to monthly pediatrician appointments, frequent mid-day school recitals, to pick-ups when the temperature outside goes below -20 and then rushing back home for 6:30pm bedtime. A typical day, has been a hustle. Hustle in the morning, hustle in the day, hustle to get home, hustle to put the kids to bed, eat, sleep, repeat. To help manage everything and stay afloat, we began hiring more and more help. Is this really the goal? There is a limit. You just cannot outsource loving your children, and I would not want to.
The most important thing to me right now is not abundance by means of typical external success measures, marketed by the media and society at large, but rather, abundance as defined by my happiness and my family’s happiness. Three words come to mind when I think about my current life goals: Simplicity, Solitude and Success.
Simplicity – How little can I live with? A philosophy that steers away from accumulating more possessions (that require us to spend more time working to buy and maintain); to one that is based on keeping things simple.
Solitude – Making sure I have a little time to myself every day, even if it is just 15 minutes. When I have time to myself to think and reflect, I am better able to give to others;
Success – which for me, means time and happiness. Time is my most valuable asset, not our house or car, but time. Time to myself, time with my family & friends and time doing work that I find fulfilling and meaningful.
These goals, still rest on the foundation of “abundance”, but abundance in a different light. They focus on an abundance of time, love, family, happiness and contribution.
In some ways, women centuries ago had an advantage: time to think and reflect. Without digitization, household tasks were done manually and women had more time to be in solitude and grow their nurturing spirits. There were no cell phones, email, or the expectation to plug in after working hours. True, that women have made incredible strides in the workplace and society. In the boardroom however, women are encouraged to act more “masculine” to succeed, yet at home; a feminine, gentle and nurturing touch is needed to keep the family healthy and happy. It is as if our society is in some way encouraging a forced “bi-polarism” of women.
The question is: Is this coming at the expense of our families and our personal happiness? Are we really able to do it ALL happily and well? With all the progress we are achieving in the workplace, we must also put systems in place such that women and families can maintain balance, endurance and an ability to contribute to the economy as their lives change.
Are there solutions that could be “win-win” for everyone?
Many organizations assume that to attract and retain high quality employees, they need to offer and enforce traditional 9-5 work structures and provide their employees with window offices and full benefits. This “baby boomer” employment culture, may no longer be as relevant or desired in today’s evolving work environment. In this generation of accessible internet and connectivity, flexibility has become an increasingly important job attribute, even at the expense of reduced pay and/ or benefits. This is especially true for professional women, who frequently also balance family obligations and planning.
An adjusted paradigm that accommodates women more flexibly in the workplace, especially during the child rearing years would be win-win for everyone. For corporations, it would mean broadening their ability to attract and retain skilled employees, as well as opportunities to save on General and Administrative expense. Many employees today would accept lower salaries in exchange for flexibility, a structure that could also translate into less office space needs and generate expense savings that would positively impact the bottom line. For employees, including professional women, rather than feel they must retreat and change course as their lives evolved, a more flexible work environment would allow them to continue to contribute to their workplaces and advance professionally. Corporate policies that include: flexible hours, remote work arrangements, and job share opportunities, are some strategies that could help make this vision a reality.
Maybe we cannot do it all, or cannot do it all in the same way at every moment in time throughout our careers. And maybe that is OK.